Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Pooping to opera.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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