I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
