wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
