so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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