I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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