i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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