Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
