when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize