You're my little dorito
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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