Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You smell like stripper and shame
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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