I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I deserve this hangover.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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