my shit smells like andre
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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