We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
