true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
