i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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