The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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