I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
