Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
