I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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