I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
