Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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