I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you had me at cake vodka
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
