It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
