I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Do you have feelings for this penis?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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