I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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