just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
