bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
