Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
