I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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