he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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