You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
