The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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