I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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