her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
