I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
