Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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