he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
