I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
