I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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