Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
