I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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