false alarm. still invincible.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
