my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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