Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it penis luge time yet?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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