Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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