I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
