Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
