Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
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