So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
