I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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