This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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