Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
