On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
