you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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